Emily FinlayBasketball Warthog: An Epic Tale Of A Warthog (Who Plays Basketball)
October 27th 2007 11:24
Basketball Warthog
This is a script I wrote after catching Soccer Dog on television one day. Man, that dog played soccer like a pro. Anyway, enjoy:
First Scene- Tommy's House (kitchen)
(The scene is shot from a fairly wide angle, capturing the entire breakfast table, at which Tommy is eating cornflakes at one end. Tommy's Dad sits at the other end, starring intensly at his son.)
Tommy's Dad: Son, you better get real good at this sport real fast or (slaps hand) WHAM! Right in the face!
Tommy: (sighs) Yes, Dad.
(The words BASKETBALL WARTHOG appear on the screen in massive letters)
Second Scene- Basketball Court
(At the start of this scene, Shaggy's 'Boom Shaka Laka' is playing).
(A team of children are playing basketball. The ball gets passed to Tommy, who, instead of taking a shot, prompty begins to wets his pants. Urine soaks his pants and drips down his legs. The camera shows his full body, so that you can see it pooling on the ground around him. Music cuts out. There is an awkward pause, before Johnny, the team bully, and his unnamed cronies, sneer.)
John: Looks like someone is a dorkus malorkus and it's you because you wet your pants!
(John and his two bully friends laugh, before walking away, as do all the other children, leaving John to stand there, head bowed, clearly ashamed.)
Third Scene- Meeting Basketball Warthog
(Wide angle shot of Tommy walking down the street. He has replaced his pants, and is staring down at the ground, clearly sullen. Sam, the Token Black Kid, runs up to him, yelling out 'Yo! Tommy! Dawg!')
Sam: Tommy! Man, you was cracker-lackin' out there today, brotha!
(Camera cuts to a close up shot of Tommy and Sam as they do an incredibly complicated hand-shake. This takes them 30 seconds.)
Tommy: Man, I've gotta become a decent player! Otherwise my dad will hate me, Susie will never marry me, my grades will continue to get worse, and slowly but surely I'll slip into a deep, dark pit of despair, swallowed up into the tepid pits of depression and choke; choke, Sam, on the vile taste of failure as it smothers me into a final, inglorious death!
Sam: Damn right, bro! Yo gotta OWN THE ZONE!
Tommy: There's gotta be...something or someone out there who can...
Sam: Hey, what the hell is that thing over there?
(Camera cuts to a warthog standing across the street, knocking over a garbage bin and greedily eating away at its contents.)
Tommy: It's a warthog! And I gotta feeling about him!
(Sam and Tommy rush across the street to the warthog, who promptly attempts to gore Sam, just barely missing, snarling with rage.)
Tommy: Woah! He's energetic! And you know what? He's gonna help me get good at basketball!
Sam: Say WHAT, Cracker?
Fourth Scene- Basketball Court
(Camera rotates once around Tommy, holding Basketball Warthog by a collar, who is surrounded by other children and the coach. Basketball Warthog is snarling aggressively. Everyone is captivated, except Arnold, the Token Fat Kid, who is shovelling cake into his mouth.)
Tommy: Guys, this is Basketball Warthog! He's gonna turn our luck around and help us win the Basketball Championship!
Arnold: (through a mouthful of cake) Awesome!
(Camera cuts to John, the bully, and his two unnamed cronies approaching)
John: Hey, Tommy, whos that? IS IT YOUR BOYFRIEND?
(The other kids all make an "Oooo!" noise)
Tommy: Shut up! He's just a guy who happens to be my friend!
(Growling aggressively, Basketball Warthog breaks free of Tommy and charges right at one of John's nameless cohorts. The one to John's left peels off, screaming, being chased by the warthog. There is a close up of John's face as steam literally rushes out of his ears in a comical fashion. The camera then focuses on John, Tommy and the other kids, as off screen they all watch, with varying degrees of anger and amusement, John's cohort being brutally mauled by Basketball Warthog, complete with Wilhelm Scream for cheese.)
(The camera cuts to the coach, who is visibly excited.)
Coach: HOOOOOOOO-IEE! He's a fiesty one! Basketball Warthog, how would you like to be on the team?
(The camera cuts to Basketball Warthog, who is now sleeping in the sun, blood all over his tusks and mouth.)
Tommy: I think what he's trying to say is, he'll do it!
(All the kids laugh, even Arnold, who starts to choke on cake. Sam and Tommy high-five each other.)
Fifth Scene- Montage
(Montage occurs for the duration of Paul Engemann's Push It To The Limit (3:02))
The following scenes are shown, with no diagetic sound, during the montage:
-4 different shots of Tommy catching the basketball during games; wetting his pants slightly less each time.
-The ball hitting Basketball Warthog in the head, angering him.
-Tommy and Sam doing a ridiculously complicated handshake
-3 different scenes of Basketball Warthog attacking members of the other teams
-Tommy talking to Susie, his love interest, in a schoolhall; leaning against a locker, hair slicked back, whilst holding Basketball Warthog's leash. Susie looks enthralled.
-A shot of John giving Tommy a dirty look.
-A scene of Arnold sitting on the bench, eating an eclair.
-A scene in the kitchen from the first scene of Tommy's dad holding up a leather strap in one hand, putting it back into his pocket, pulling out a licorice strap, and handing it to Tommy
-A cliched shot of Tommy walking down the street as the sunsets, Basketball Warthog being dragged along by his leash alongside him, and pumping his fist into the air. This scene freezes at the climax of the song as a tableau.
Sixth Scene- Basketball Court
(The camera is positioned at the bottom of the children's huddle, staring up at their faces)
Coach: Well, team, it's been our best season ever, and it's all thanks to Basketball Warthog! With him on our side, we're sure to beat those steroid-abusing Soviet bastards we're up against next week!
(The kids all clap and look up. The camera cuts to Basketball Warthog, clearly exhausted, stumbling along before collapsing on the ground, struggling to breathe.)
Seventh Scene- Outside Tommy's House, night
(John and his unnamed cohort are shown sneaking along the side of Tommy's house, wearing black. The camera zooms in on them as they crouch behind a bush.)
John: Alright, here's the plan...we're going to sneak in, and kidnap Basketball Warthog, thus creating conflict!
Cohort:.....but then won't we almost certainly lose tomorrow's basketball game, not only shaming us but pretty much ensuring that the Soviets can acquire the sponsership and funding required to create that doomsday device they keep threatening to drop on us?
John:.....oh, right.
(John and his cohort get up and walk away)
Eighth Scene- Tommy's kitchen
(This scene is shot in the exact same way as the first scene, with Tommy once again eating cornflakes, and his dad once again staring at him intensely.)
Tommy's Dad: Tommy, you better win today's game or (slaps hand) WHAM! Right in the face!
Tommy: (sighs) Yes, dad.
Ninth Scene- Basketball Court
(The camera pans over the audience, onto Tommy and his team, who are assembled infront of the coach. Bill Conti's Gonna Fly Now is playing over this scene.)
Coach: Alright, team. We've all come a long way. We've lost a few, won a few...and, with the help of one special warthog....we've all learnt, slowly but surely, to... (tears well in his eyes) to love again.
(Tommy stares over at his father, who waves to him with one hand, and holds a strap up with the other hand. Tommy turns to Sam.)
Tommy: This is it, Sam!
Sam: Right on, G! Yo' was cracker slackin', now yo be whack attackin'!
Tommy: Word.
(The two teams line up. The camera cuts between faces on the opposing teams, including Basketball Warthog. The referee's whistle blows. The camera, situation just behind and to the right of Tommy, focuses on Basketball Warthog, who instantly charges right at him, knocking him to the ground. The rest of the team is shown reacting as Tommy is gored off camera, once again complete with Wilhelm scream. There are a few seconds of silence.)
Sam: Da-mn! I did NOT see that one comin'!
(The words THE END appear in massive pink letters over a black background. Katrina and the Wave's I'm Walking On Sunshine plays during the credits.)
This is a script I wrote after catching Soccer Dog on television one day. Man, that dog played soccer like a pro. Anyway, enjoy:
First Scene- Tommy's House (kitchen)
(The scene is shot from a fairly wide angle, capturing the entire breakfast table, at which Tommy is eating cornflakes at one end. Tommy's Dad sits at the other end, starring intensly at his son.)
Tommy's Dad: Son, you better get real good at this sport real fast or (slaps hand) WHAM! Right in the face!
Tommy: (sighs) Yes, Dad.
(The words BASKETBALL WARTHOG appear on the screen in massive letters)
Second Scene- Basketball Court
(At the start of this scene, Shaggy's 'Boom Shaka Laka' is playing).
(A team of children are playing basketball. The ball gets passed to Tommy, who, instead of taking a shot, prompty begins to wets his pants. Urine soaks his pants and drips down his legs. The camera shows his full body, so that you can see it pooling on the ground around him. Music cuts out. There is an awkward pause, before Johnny, the team bully, and his unnamed cronies, sneer.)
John: Looks like someone is a dorkus malorkus and it's you because you wet your pants!
(John and his two bully friends laugh, before walking away, as do all the other children, leaving John to stand there, head bowed, clearly ashamed.)
Third Scene- Meeting Basketball Warthog
(Wide angle shot of Tommy walking down the street. He has replaced his pants, and is staring down at the ground, clearly sullen. Sam, the Token Black Kid, runs up to him, yelling out 'Yo! Tommy! Dawg!')
Sam: Tommy! Man, you was cracker-lackin' out there today, brotha!
(Camera cuts to a close up shot of Tommy and Sam as they do an incredibly complicated hand-shake. This takes them 30 seconds.)
Tommy: Man, I've gotta become a decent player! Otherwise my dad will hate me, Susie will never marry me, my grades will continue to get worse, and slowly but surely I'll slip into a deep, dark pit of despair, swallowed up into the tepid pits of depression and choke; choke, Sam, on the vile taste of failure as it smothers me into a final, inglorious death!
Sam: Damn right, bro! Yo gotta OWN THE ZONE!
Tommy: There's gotta be...something or someone out there who can...
Sam: Hey, what the hell is that thing over there?
(Camera cuts to a warthog standing across the street, knocking over a garbage bin and greedily eating away at its contents.)
Tommy: It's a warthog! And I gotta feeling about him!
(Sam and Tommy rush across the street to the warthog, who promptly attempts to gore Sam, just barely missing, snarling with rage.)
Tommy: Woah! He's energetic! And you know what? He's gonna help me get good at basketball!
Sam: Say WHAT, Cracker?
Fourth Scene- Basketball Court
(Camera rotates once around Tommy, holding Basketball Warthog by a collar, who is surrounded by other children and the coach. Basketball Warthog is snarling aggressively. Everyone is captivated, except Arnold, the Token Fat Kid, who is shovelling cake into his mouth.)
Tommy: Guys, this is Basketball Warthog! He's gonna turn our luck around and help us win the Basketball Championship!
Arnold: (through a mouthful of cake) Awesome!
(Camera cuts to John, the bully, and his two unnamed cronies approaching)
John: Hey, Tommy, whos that? IS IT YOUR BOYFRIEND?
(The other kids all make an "Oooo!" noise)
Tommy: Shut up! He's just a guy who happens to be my friend!
(Growling aggressively, Basketball Warthog breaks free of Tommy and charges right at one of John's nameless cohorts. The one to John's left peels off, screaming, being chased by the warthog. There is a close up of John's face as steam literally rushes out of his ears in a comical fashion. The camera then focuses on John, Tommy and the other kids, as off screen they all watch, with varying degrees of anger and amusement, John's cohort being brutally mauled by Basketball Warthog, complete with Wilhelm Scream for cheese.)
(The camera cuts to the coach, who is visibly excited.)
Coach: HOOOOOOOO-IEE! He's a fiesty one! Basketball Warthog, how would you like to be on the team?
(The camera cuts to Basketball Warthog, who is now sleeping in the sun, blood all over his tusks and mouth.)
Tommy: I think what he's trying to say is, he'll do it!
(All the kids laugh, even Arnold, who starts to choke on cake. Sam and Tommy high-five each other.)
Fifth Scene- Montage
(Montage occurs for the duration of Paul Engemann's Push It To The Limit (3:02))
The following scenes are shown, with no diagetic sound, during the montage:
-4 different shots of Tommy catching the basketball during games; wetting his pants slightly less each time.
-The ball hitting Basketball Warthog in the head, angering him.
-Tommy and Sam doing a ridiculously complicated handshake
-3 different scenes of Basketball Warthog attacking members of the other teams
-Tommy talking to Susie, his love interest, in a schoolhall; leaning against a locker, hair slicked back, whilst holding Basketball Warthog's leash. Susie looks enthralled.
-A shot of John giving Tommy a dirty look.
-A scene of Arnold sitting on the bench, eating an eclair.
-A scene in the kitchen from the first scene of Tommy's dad holding up a leather strap in one hand, putting it back into his pocket, pulling out a licorice strap, and handing it to Tommy
-A cliched shot of Tommy walking down the street as the sunsets, Basketball Warthog being dragged along by his leash alongside him, and pumping his fist into the air. This scene freezes at the climax of the song as a tableau.
Sixth Scene- Basketball Court
(The camera is positioned at the bottom of the children's huddle, staring up at their faces)
Coach: Well, team, it's been our best season ever, and it's all thanks to Basketball Warthog! With him on our side, we're sure to beat those steroid-abusing Soviet bastards we're up against next week!
(The kids all clap and look up. The camera cuts to Basketball Warthog, clearly exhausted, stumbling along before collapsing on the ground, struggling to breathe.)
Seventh Scene- Outside Tommy's House, night
(John and his unnamed cohort are shown sneaking along the side of Tommy's house, wearing black. The camera zooms in on them as they crouch behind a bush.)
John: Alright, here's the plan...we're going to sneak in, and kidnap Basketball Warthog, thus creating conflict!
Cohort:.....but then won't we almost certainly lose tomorrow's basketball game, not only shaming us but pretty much ensuring that the Soviets can acquire the sponsership and funding required to create that doomsday device they keep threatening to drop on us?
John:.....oh, right.
(John and his cohort get up and walk away)
Eighth Scene- Tommy's kitchen
(This scene is shot in the exact same way as the first scene, with Tommy once again eating cornflakes, and his dad once again staring at him intensely.)
Tommy's Dad: Tommy, you better win today's game or (slaps hand) WHAM! Right in the face!
Tommy: (sighs) Yes, dad.
Ninth Scene- Basketball Court
(The camera pans over the audience, onto Tommy and his team, who are assembled infront of the coach. Bill Conti's Gonna Fly Now is playing over this scene.)
Coach: Alright, team. We've all come a long way. We've lost a few, won a few...and, with the help of one special warthog....we've all learnt, slowly but surely, to... (tears well in his eyes) to love again.
(Tommy stares over at his father, who waves to him with one hand, and holds a strap up with the other hand. Tommy turns to Sam.)
Tommy: This is it, Sam!
Sam: Right on, G! Yo' was cracker slackin', now yo be whack attackin'!
Tommy: Word.
(The two teams line up. The camera cuts between faces on the opposing teams, including Basketball Warthog. The referee's whistle blows. The camera, situation just behind and to the right of Tommy, focuses on Basketball Warthog, who instantly charges right at him, knocking him to the ground. The rest of the team is shown reacting as Tommy is gored off camera, once again complete with Wilhelm scream. There are a few seconds of silence.)
Sam: Da-mn! I did NOT see that one comin'!
(The words THE END appear in massive pink letters over a black background. Katrina and the Wave's I'm Walking On Sunshine plays during the credits.)
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Comment by Q-Man
Comment by Stanley
oh, and the push it to the limit montage is priceless.